Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star!

What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?

Dark Helmet

[aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self destruct button.

Self-Destruct Voice

Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!

Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!

Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?

President Skroob

Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

Colonel Sandurz: Sir, do you think we're being too literal?
Dark Helmet: No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.

Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries.

Dark Helmet

Colonel Sandurz: They must have hyperjets on that thing.
Dark Helmet: And what do we have on this thing? A cuisinart?

Dark Helmet: What did you do? You turned it off!
Colonel Sandurz: Turned off what? I just turned off the screen.
Dark Helmet: No, you didnt! You turned off the movie!

Yogurt: I am the keeper of a greater power, a power known throughout the universe as the...
Barf: ...the Force?
Yogurt: No, the Schwartz!

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Spaceballs Quotes

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!

So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! The kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

Dark Helmet