So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

Dark Helmet

Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?

President Skroob

Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!

Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!

[aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self destruct button.

Self-Destruct Voice

What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?

Dark Helmet

Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star!

So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time.

Lone Starr

Barf: I know we need the money, but...
Lone Starr: Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!
Barf: Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you - you're always right.

Colonel Sandurz: [in reference to not wanting to attack Yogurt's lair] But your ring! Don't you wear the schwartz too?
Dark Helmet: No, he got the upside. There are two sides to every schwartz. He got the upside, I got the downside.

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!

Lone Starr: I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

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Spaceballs Quotes

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!

So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! The kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

Dark Helmet