So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.Dark Helmet
Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?President Skroob
Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!
Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!
[aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self destruct button.Self-Destruct Voice
What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?Dark Helmet
Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star!
So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time.Lone Starr
Barf: I know we need the money, but...
Lone Starr: Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!
Barf: Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you - you're always right.
Colonel Sandurz: [in reference to not wanting to attack Yogurt's lair] But your ring! Don't you wear the schwartz too?
Dark Helmet: No, he got the upside. There are two sides to every schwartz. He got the upside, I got the downside.
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
Lone Starr: I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!