Hey! What're you kicking me for? You want me to ask? All right, I'll ask! Ma'am, where do the high school girls hang out in this town?

Trent

Trent: Baby, that was money! Tell me that wasn't money.
Mike: That was so demeaning.
Trent: She smiled, baby.
Mike: I can't believe what an asshole you are.
Trent: Did she, or did she not smile.
Mike: She was smiling at what an asshole you are.
Trent: She was smiling at how money I am, baby.

I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's REALLY hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. You're a bad man, Mikey. You're a bad man, a bad man.

Trent

[Mike gets Nikki's machine at 2:30 in the morning]
Mike: Hi, uh, Nikki, this is Mike. I met you at the, um, at the Dresden tonight. I just called to say that I had a great time...and you should call me tomorrow, or in two days, whatever. Anyway, my number is 213-555-4679 -
[beeps]
Mike: [calls back] Hi, Nikki, this is Mike again. I just called 'cause it sounded like your machine might've cut me off when I, before I finished leaving my number. Anyway, uh, and, y'know, and also, sorry to call so late, but you were still at the Dresden when I left so I knew I'd get your machine. Anyhow, uh, my number's 21--
[beeps]
Mike: [calls back] 213-555-4679. That's it. I just wanna leave my number. I didn't want you to think I was weird or desperate, or... we should just hang out and see where it goes cuz it's nice and, y'know, no expectations. Ok? Thanks a lot. Bye bye.
[hangs up]
Mike: [walks away, then walks back and calls again] I just got out of a 6-year relationship, Ok? That should help explain why I'm acting so weird. I just wanted you to know that. It's not you, it's me. I'm sorry... This is Mike.
[hangs up]
Mike: [calls back] Hi, Nikki, this is Mike. Could you just call me when you get in? I'm gonna be up for awhile and I'd just rather speak to you in person instead of trying to fit it all into-
[the machine beeps]
Mike: Fuck! [calls back] Uh, Nikki? Mike. It's uh, uh, it's just, uh, this just isn't working out. I think you're great, but maybe we should just take some time off from each other. It's not you, it's me. It's what I'm going through, alright? It's uh... it's only been 6 months-
Nikki: [picks up] Mike?
Mike: Nikki? Great! Did you just walk in or were you listening all along?
Nikki: Don't ever call me again.
Mike: Wow. I guess you're home.

Everybody steals from everybody, that's Hollywood.

Trent

Sue: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs...
Trent: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs, man! And you're looking at your claws and you're looking at your fangs. And you're thinking to yourself, you don't know what to do, man. "I don't know how to kill the bunny." With THIS, you don't know how to kill the bunny? Do you know what I mean?
Sue: You're like a big bear, man.
Mike: So you're not just, like, fucking with me?
Trent: No, I'm not fucking with you.
Sue: Honestly, man.

You're so money and you don't even know it!

Trent

Rob: Those guys are right. You're money.
Mike: Then why won't she call?
Rob: She won't call because you left. She's got her own life to deal with and that's in New York. She's a sweet girl and I love her to pieces, but fuck her, man. You got to get on with your life. You've got to let go of the past Mikey, and when you do, the future is beautiful.

How about if I wait six weeks to call. I could tell her I found her number while I was cleaning out my wallet, I can't remember where we met. I'll ask her what she looks like and then I'll ask her if we fucked. How about that? Would that be money?

Mike

That was so fucking money. That was like the Jedi mind-shit.

Mike

[playing NHL Hockey for Sega Genesis]
Trent: I wish they still had fights in this game so I could bitch-slap Wayne.
Mike: What? They don't have fighting anymore?
Trent: Doesn't that suck?
Mike: Why'd they get rid of the fighting? It was the best part of the old version.
Sue: I think kids were hittin' each other or somethin' man.
Trent: Yeah, but you know what, Mike? You can make their heads bleed in this one.
Mike: Make somebody's head bleed!
Sue: No man, we're in the playoffs.

Mike: How did you get over it? I mean, how long did it take?
Rob: Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is man, it's like you wake up everyday and it hurts a little bit less, and you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is that, this is kinda weird, but it's like, it's like, you almost miss that pain.
Mike: You miss the pain?
Rob: Yea, for the same reason you miss her. Because you lived with it for so long.

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Swingers Quotes

I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for super fan 99 over here.

Trent

Rob: You don't look at the things you have. You only look at the stuff you don't have. Those guys are right about you, you're money.
Mike: Then why won't she call?
Rob: She won't call because you left.