Joey Naylor: Dad, why is the American government the best government?
Nick Naylor: Because of our endless appeals system.

You know the guy who can pick up any girl? I'm him. On crack.

Nick Naylor

Jack: I'm going to impale your mom on a spike and feed her dead body to my dog with syphilis.
Brad: Ha, you got me!

Don't forget, I'm his father. You're just the guy who fucks his mom.

Nick Naylor

I have a bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names.

Nick Naylor

Heather Holloway: Heather Holloway.
Nick Naylor: Nick Naylor. Big Tobacco.
Heather Holloway: [holds up tape recorder] Is this kosher?
Nick Naylor: Only if I can call you Heather.
Heather Holloway: By all means. So, Mr. Naylor ...
Nick Naylor: [interrupting] Nick.
Heather Holloway: Nick. Let's start with ...
Nick Naylor: '82 Margaux.
Heather Holloway: Okay. Is it good?
Nick Naylor: "Good"? It'll make you believe in God.

FREE Movie Newsletter

Thank You for Smoking Quotes

That's the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you're never wrong.

Nick Naylor

Jeff Megall: Sony has a futuristic sci-fi movie they're looking to make.
Nick Naylor: Cigarettes in space?
Jeff Megall: It's the final frontier, Nick.
Nick Naylor: But wouldn't they blow up in an all oxygen environment?
Jeff Megall: Probably. But it's an easy fix. One line of dialogue. 'Thank God we invented the... you know, whatever device.'