Joey Naylor: Dad, why is the American government the best government?
Nick Naylor: Because of our endless appeals system.

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You know the guy who can pick up any girl? I'm him. On crack.

Nick Naylor

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Jack: I'm going to impale your mom on a spike and feed her dead body to my dog with syphilis.
Brad: Ha, you got me!

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Don't forget, I'm his father. You're just the guy who fucks his mom.

Nick Naylor

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I have a bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names.

Nick Naylor

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Heather Holloway: Heather Holloway.
Nick Naylor: Nick Naylor. Big Tobacco.
Heather Holloway: [holds up tape recorder] Is this kosher?
Nick Naylor: Only if I can call you Heather.
Heather Holloway: By all means. So, Mr. Naylor ...
Nick Naylor: [interrupting] Nick.
Heather Holloway: Nick. Let's start with ...
Nick Naylor: '82 Margaux.
Heather Holloway: Okay. Is it good?
Nick Naylor: "Good"? It'll make you believe in God.

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