David: I dated this girl for four months, and it was the best thing in my life! Until she went down on this guy in... an Escalade, I think.
Andy Stitzer: Where is she now?
David: Oh she's dating some pot dealer which is a stupid horrible decision, but hey - that's her journey. If she wants to be a fucking immature bitch and blow everybody...
[Gets flustered, but calms down]
David: But that's love, man.

Jay: I am gonna hang your old ass by your turban.
Mooj: Oh, turban now! Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say 'Hey Jay, you want a slippy? You wanna slippy?' Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn, Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?

You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.

Andy Stitzer

Andy Stitzer: I just don't want a big box of porn in my apartment.
David: There's some really great stuff in here. Really great movies in here, man. Hey, did you ever see School of Rock?
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
David: Well, this is... It's called School of... You know...
Andy Stitzer: That's nice.
David: But it stars Jack Black Cock.
Andy Stitzer: That makes sense.

Jill: Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
Jay: My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card...
Andy Stitzer: OOhhh... yeah... right, god I've been looking for that speed dating card, thank you so much for bringing it to me.
Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
Andy Stitzer: Ummhmm... yeah..."hurtin' for a squirtin'", yeah i wrote that.
Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "hoe fo sho'".
Andy Stitzer: Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a hoe... for sho'

Do you know how I know you're gay? Because you are holding each other ever so gently.

Haziz

Cal: Before I knew, I thought you were a serial killer.
Andy Stitzer: Oh.
[chuckles]
Cal: No, I'm serious.

[talking about Trish being a grandma] You should fuck her and then have her send you $12 on your birthday.

Cal

I touched a guy's balls once in Hebrew School.

Cal

Cal: That's a good looking grandma! My grandma looks like Jack Palance.
Andy Stitzer: Well, she's no Jack Palance.
Cal: No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady I would want to fuck Jack Palance right now.

Andy. Have you ever heard of the term... 'Fuck Buddy?'

Paula

From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm gonna get you laid.

Jay

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The 40 Year Old Virgin Quotes

She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.

Andy Stitzer

I dated this girl for a while... she was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to... get down with... sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day... she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! cool!"

Andy Stitzer