David: I dated this girl for four months, and it was the best thing in my life! Until she went down on this guy in... an Escalade, I think.
Andy Stitzer: Where is she now?
David: Oh she's dating some pot dealer which is a stupid horrible decision, but hey - that's her journey. If she wants to be a fucking immature bitch and blow everybody...
[Gets flustered, but calms down]
David: But that's love, man.

Jay: I am gonna hang your old ass by your turban.
Mooj: Oh, turban now! Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say 'Hey Jay, you want a slippy? You wanna slippy?' Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn, Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?

You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.

Andy Stitzer

"Gandhi" baked is good. I always feel bad when I watch it baked because I get really hungry and I'm eating a lot and poor Gandhi is starving his ass off.


Do you know how I know you're gay? Because you are holding each other ever so gently.


Cal: Before I knew, I thought you were a serial killer.
Andy Stitzer: Oh.
Cal: No, I'm serious.

[talking about Trish being a grandma] You should fuck her and then have her send you $12 on your birthday.


I touched a guy's balls once in Hebrew School.


Andy. Have you ever heard of the term... 'Fuck Buddy?'


From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm gonna get you laid.


Andy Stitzer: Well, if you loved her so much, why did you cheat on her?
Jay: [sobbing violently] Because! Duh! I'm insecure! Can't you tell?

I'm a virgin. I always have been.

Andy Stitzer

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The 40 Year Old Virgin Quotes

Andy Stitzer: I just don't want a big box of porn in my apartment.
David: There's some really great stuff in here. Really great movies in here, man. Hey, did you ever see School of Rock?
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
David: Well, this is... It's called School of... You know...
Andy Stitzer: That's nice.
David: But it stars Jack Black Cock.
Andy Stitzer: That makes sense.

I hope you have a big trunk... because I'm puttin' my bike in it.

Andy Stitzer