David: I dated this girl for four months, and it was the best thing in my life! Until she went down on this guy in... an Escalade, I think.
Andy Stitzer: Where is she now?
David: Oh she's dating some pot dealer which is a stupid horrible decision, but hey - that's her journey. If she wants to be a fucking immature bitch and blow everybody...
[Gets flustered, but calms down]
David: But that's love, man.

[watching The Bourne Identity] Y'know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but he's rocking the shit in this one!

David

How many pots have you smoken?

Andy Stitzer

Boy at Health Clinic: Wait, so you're a virgin? I'd tap that.
Dad at Health Clinic: Oh, yeah, you'd 'tap that.' What, Seth, you think you're cool with your little Jew Fro? We don't say 'tap that.' What are you talking about, Seth?

Cal: [to Andy about telling Trish he's a virgin] Yeah, you should definitely tell her, because I saw this movie called "Liar Liar" and the message was, "*Don't* lie."
[pause]
Cal: And that was a smart movie.

Cal: We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: You think "A woman fuckin' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman fucking a horse.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: I kinda felt bad for the horse!
Andy Stitzer: Wow, that's something.

I hired a 90-lb girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should've hired a 300-lb guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk.

Cal

[to Andy, in a bar] All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's a code written in his DNA, says, "tackle the gazelle." And believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says, "tackle drunk bitches."

Jay

Nicky: You have really kind eyes, you know that?
Andy Stitzer: Thanks. Umm... your hat has sequins.

You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!

Andy Stitzer

David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: Your dick tastes like shit.

Cal: The problem most men have is they don't know how to talk to women...
Andy Stitzer: You know what my problem is? I am not interesting. What am I supposed to say I went to magic camp? That I'm an accomplished ventriloquist? Oh, I am the 7th degree imperial yo-yo master.

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The 40 Year Old Virgin Quotes

She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.

Andy Stitzer

I dated this girl for a while... she was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to... get down with... sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day... she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! cool!"

Andy Stitzer