Steven: Can I get a knife or fork?
Wench: There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?
Steven: There were no utensils but there was Pepsi?
Wench: Dude, I got a lot of tables.

He who hesitates, masturbates.

Chip Douglas

Steven: Can I get a knife or fork?
Wench: There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?
Steven: There were no utensils but there was Pepsi?
Wench: Dude, I got a lot of tables.

Rick: Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out!
Chip Douglas: Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!

Steven: I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?
Chip Douglas: [Walks slowly towards Steven] You mean illegal cable?
Steven: Um... Yeah.
Chip Douglas: Who told you that? What is his name? I want it.
Steven: Just forget it.
Chip Douglas: You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility!
Steven: No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.
Chip Douglas: [Bursts out laughing] I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy!
[Laughs harder]
Chip Douglas: Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.

Hey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back.

Chip Douglas

I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!

Chip Douglas

Chip Douglas: Women are a labyrinth, my friend. Can I be frank? I don't think you listen to her. I think you tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is, all the complicated splendor that is women. When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten fold.
Steven Kovacs: You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
Chip Douglas: I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.

Chip Douglas: Here is a comment card. Please mail it in when I am done.
Steven Kovacs: Does this go to your boss?
Chip Douglas: No it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis... t.

Chip Douglas: Call it one guy doing another guy a solid.
Steven Kovacs: That is so nice!
Chip Douglas: Well you're a nice guy! You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'.

Steven Kovacs: Hey, wait, come back!
Chip Douglas: Well look who decided to show.
Steven Kovacs: You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago.
Chip Douglas: Was I? So I'm the tardy one?
Steven Kovacs: Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed.
Chip Douglas: Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF! I'm just jokin' with ya.

You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.

Chip Douglas

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The Cable Guy Quotes

He who hesitates, masturbates.

Chip Douglas

Rick: Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out!
Chip Douglas: Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!