Hey, Rick! I never made a slam dunk before. Thanks for the boost.

You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.

Chip Douglas

Rick: Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out!
Chip Douglas: Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!

Hey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back.

Chip Douglas

Steven: I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?
Chip Douglas: [Walks slowly towards Steven] You mean illegal cable?
Steven: Um... Yeah.
Chip Douglas: Who told you that? What is his name? I want it.
Steven: Just forget it.
Chip Douglas: You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility!
Steven: No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.
Chip Douglas: [Bursts out laughing] I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy!
[Laughs harder]
Chip Douglas: Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.

I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!

Chip Douglas

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The Cable Guy Quotes

Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!

Chip Douglas

He who hesitates, masturbates.

Chip Douglas