Alan Garner: [while picking up a friend at the school where he works] Did you have to park this close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, why?
Alan Garner: I just... I can't be here.
Doug Billings: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a church... or a Chuckeee Cheeze.

I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley's comet.

Alan Garner

Not at the table, Jose!

Alan Garner

Who does shit like that?

Mike Tyson

Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!

Stu Price

Stu Price: [to crying baby beside him in back seat] No, don't cry, it's okay, everything's fine, don't cry...
[screaming to the other guys in the front seat]
Stu Price: What the fuck is going on?

Alan Garner: Who's baby is that?
Phil Wenneck: We'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: We're not gonna leave a baby in the room. There's a tiger in the bathroom!

[as Mr. Chow closes his car window slowly, his head trails the closing gap] Toodooloo mother fuckers!

Mr. Chow

Listen to me, I'm gonna' tell you something. I know some sick people in my life, this guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life!

Eddie Palermo

That's my grandma's ring. She made it all the way through the holocaust with that thing. It's legit.

Stu Price

Stu Price: If anything, we should get a reward.
Alan Garner: Yeah... a reward, or a trophy!

Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.

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The Hangover Quotes

Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.

Alan Garner: Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.
Lisa: I'm not sure.
Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...
Alan Garner: That'll work.