Mr. Chow: You gonna fuck on me?
Alan Garner: Nobody's gonna fuck on you! I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! *Please*! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.

Its funny because he's fat!

Mr. Chow

Sid Garner: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.
Doug Billings: Understood.
Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.

Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu Price: You found a baby before? Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.

Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.

Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!

Phil Wenneck

Not you, fat Jesus.

Officer Franklin

It's got, ah, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor...

Alan Garner

Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh really?
Doug Billings: It's not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ruh-tard.
Stu Price: A what?
Alan Garner: He was a ruh-tard.
Doug Billings: [pauses to figure out what Alan was saying] *RE*tard.

Woman in Elevator: Oh, how cute! What's his name?
Phil Wenneck: Ben.
Alan Garner: Carlos.

Stu Price: That is not Doug.
Mr. Chow: What're you talking about, Willis? That him!
Stu Price: No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow, that's not our friend, he... it's...
Alan Garner: The Doug we're looking for is a white.

[In the wedding]
Alan Garner: How's my hair?
Stu Price: That's good.
Alan Garner: It's cool like Phil's?
Stu Price: It's classic Phil.

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The Hangover Quotes

Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.

Alan Garner: Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.
Lisa: I'm not sure.
Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...
Alan Garner: That'll work.