Max: The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show.
Leo: And two?
Max: [yelling] Never put your own money in the show!

Leo: What's your name?
Ulla: Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yansen Tallen Hallen Svadon Swanson.
Max: What's your first name?
Ulla: That was my first name. Would you like to know my last name?
Max: We don't have the time.

Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!

Max Bialystock

For once, I would love to see someone on that couch who's under eighty-five!

Max Bialystock

Today I have taken the Siegfried oath, and danced with a sailor, a cop and an extremely friendly Cherokee Indian.

Leo Bloom

Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine.

Leo Bloom

You were right about one thing you are a CPA, a certified public asshole!

Leo Bloom

Broadway! I haven't been zis happy since we crushed Poland!

Franz Liebkind

The Führer wasn't a mousy little mama's boy! The Führer was BUTCH!

Franz Liebkind

I was never a member of the Nazi Party! I only followed orders. I had nothing to do with the war! I didn't even know there was a war. We lived at the back, near Switzerland. All we heard was yodelling... yoodle le he hoo! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo, Yodelay, Yodelay, Yodelay-WHO ARE YOU!?!

Franz Liebkind

Violinists love to play an E-string, but audiences really love a G-string!

Ulla

Ulla: Ulla wake up at five A.M. every day. From five to seven, Ulla like to exercise. From seven to eight, Ulla like to take long shower. From eight to nine, Ulla like to have big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla like to practice her singing and her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. ... What time should I get here?
Max and Leo: Eleven!

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The Producers Quotes

Max: I was a protege of the great Boris Tomashevsky. He taught me everything I know. I'll never forget, he turned to me on his death bed and said: "Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!"
Nun: What does that mean?
Max: Who knows, I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he. But in my heart, I knew what he was saying. He was saying when you're down and out and everybody thinks you're finished, that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout: "Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this stinking town?"

Max: The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show.
Leo: And two?
Max: [yelling] Never put your own money in the show!