Broadway! I haven't been zis happy since we crushed Poland!

Franz Liebkind

You were right about one thing you are a CPA, a certified public asshole!

Leo Bloom

Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine.

Leo Bloom

Today I have taken the Siegfried oath, and danced with a sailor, a cop and an extremely friendly Cherokee Indian.

Leo Bloom

For once, I would love to see someone on that couch who's under eighty-five!

Max Bialystock

Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!

Max Bialystock

I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa. And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch... And I hear her calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alviiiiin! Aaaaalviiiiiiiiiiiin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes. What the hell is that about? I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything from me... Even my past!

Max Bialystock

We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?

Max Bialystock

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The Producers Quotes

Max: I was a protege of the great Boris Tomashevsky. He taught me everything I know. I'll never forget, he turned to me on his death bed and said: "Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!"
Nun: What does that mean?
Max: Who knows, I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he. But in my heart, I knew what he was saying. He was saying when you're down and out and everybody thinks you're finished, that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout: "Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this stinking town?"

Max: The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show.
Leo: And two?
Max: [yelling] Never put your own money in the show!