Richie: I wrote a suicide note.
Chas: You did?
Richie: Yeah, right after I regained consciousness.

Chas: I've had a rough year, dad.
Royal: I know you have, Chassie.

Hell of a damn grave. Wish it were mine.

[Telling everybody that Royal doesn't have cancer] I know what stomach cancer looks like. I've seen it, and you don't eat three cheeseburgers a day with french fries when you got it.

Henry Sherman

Chas: Are you okay?
Royal: Fuck do you care?

Eli: I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum.
Royal: Me too, me too.

[after he faked a terminal illness, took residence in the house under false pretenses, tried to instigate a fight with his estranged wife's fiancé, lied to his family and was found out] I know I'm going to be the bad guy here...

Ethel: How long have you been a smoker?
Margot: 22 years.
Ethel: Well I think you should quit.

Royal: Everyone's against me.
Pagoda: It's your fault, man.
Royal: I know but dammit, I want this family to love me. How much money you got?
Pagoda: I don't have.
Royal: What? You're broke? You gotta be kidding me! How are we gonna pay for this room?

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The Royal Tenenbaums Quotes

Ethel: How long have you been a smoker?
Margot: 22 years.
Ethel: Well I think you should quit.

Eli: I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum.
Royal: Me too, me too.