Royal: Are you trying to steal my woman?
Henry Sherman: I beg your pardon.
Royal: You heard me, Coltrane.
Henry Sherman: Coltrane?
Royal: What?
Henry Sherman: Did you just call me Coltrane?
Royal: No.
Henry Sherman: You didn't?
Royal: No.
Henry Sherman: Okay...

Eli: I did find it odd when you said you were in love with her. She's married you know.
Richie: Yeah.
Eli: And she's your sister.
Richie: Adopted.

Richie: You dropped some cigarettes.
Margot: Those aren't mine.
Richie: They just fell out of your pocket.

Tennis Announcer 1: That's 72 unforced errors for Richie Tenenbaum. He's playing the worst tennis of his life. What's he feeling right now?
Tennis Announcer 2: I don't know, Jim. There's obviously something wrong with him. He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks and... actually, I think he's crying.

Etheline Tenenbaum: Chas? What's going on?
Chas: We got locked out of our apartment.
Etheline Tenenbaum: Well, did you call a locksmith?
Chas: Uh huh.
Etheline Tenenbaum: Well, I don't understand. Did you pack your bags BEFORE you got locked out?

Royal: Can I say something to you, Henry?
Henry Sherman: Okay.
Royal: I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. Uhh, that's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me.
Henry Sherman: I don't think you're an asshole, Royal, I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch.
Royal: Well, I really appreciate that.

Raleigh: Are you ever coming home?
Margot: Maybe not.
Raleigh: Well I want to die.

Richie: Is it because of us?
Royal: Well, of course, certain sacrifices had to be made as a result of having children. But heavens, no.

Royal: The past six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.
Narrator: Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.

Raleigh: You made a cuckold of me.
Margot: I know.
Raleigh: Many times over.
Margot: So sorry.

Richie: Did you say you were on Mescaline?
Eli: I did indeed. Very much so.

Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?

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The Royal Tenenbaums Quotes

You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you've never heard!

Royal

Ethel: How long have you been a smoker?
Margot: 22 years.
Ethel: Well I think you should quit.