We got a bleeder!

Paramedic

[pretending to sound genuine] Yup, those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going.

Pat Healy

Boy, don't make me open up a can of whoop-ass!

Mary's Stepfather

Is that... is that hair gel?

Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
Ted: That - good point.
Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Ted: Why?
Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!

Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative.

Pat Healy

Pat Healy: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Mary: And what's that?
Pat Healy: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Pat Healy: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.

The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker.

Magda

Hitchhiker: Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?
Ted: I would go for the 7.
Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.
Ted: You guarantee it? That's - how do you do that?
Hitchhiker: If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B".
Ted: That's right. That's - that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?

Have you ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary?

Dom

What about Brett Fav... ruh?

Ted

Ted: [narrating] From that point on, the guys looked at me in a completely different light.
High School Pal: You're a fuckin' liar!

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There's Something About Mary Quotes

Boy, don't make me open up a can of whoop-ass!

Mary's Stepfather

We got a bleeder!

Paramedic