The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker.


Who needs him? I've got a vibrator!

Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?
Ted: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video.
Hitchhiker: Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7... Minute... Abs.
Ted: Right. Yes. OK, all right. I see where you're going.

Hitchhiker: Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?
Ted: I would go for the 7.
Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.
Ted: You guarantee it? That's - how do you do that?
Hitchhiker: If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B".
Ted: That's right. That's - that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?

Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
Ted: That - good point.
Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Ted: Why?
Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!

Ted: Japan? What's she doing in Japan?
Pat Healy: Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too.
Ted: What, are they desperate? She's a whale!
Pat Healy: You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna.

Charlie Jensen: Is it the frank or the beans?
Ted: Um ... I don't know ... both I guess.
Warren: [from outside] Franks and beans! Franks and beans!

Have you seen my baseball?


[to Tucker] We agreed I wouldn't fuck you, and you wouldn't fuck me until we got this other fuck outta the fuckin' picture!

Pat Healy

[singing, narrating] His friends would say stop whining, they've had enough of that. His friends would say stop pining, there's other girls to look at. They've tried to set him up with Tiffany and Indigo... But there's something about Mary that they don't know.... Mary, there's just something about Mary.


Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?!

Mary's Stepfather

Mary: Did you mean what you said up there?
Ted: Well ya I just want you to be happy Mary.
Mary: But I'd be happiest with you.

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There's Something About Mary Quotes

Boy, don't make me open up a can of whoop-ass!

Mary's Stepfather

We got a bleeder!