Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?
Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumbass.

Mary: Hey, you want to go upstairs and watch SportsCenter?
Ted: No, I think I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead.
Mary: You're not that far ahead, Ted.

Mary: I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf, and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game, and eat sausages, and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up.
Brenda: "Fatty who likes golf and beer." Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?

He never even looked her up down there! He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time!

Ted

Pat Healy: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Mary: And what's that?
Pat Healy: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Pat Healy: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.

Ted: So you're moving down to Miami?
Pat Healy: I accepted a job offer.
Ted: With who?
Pat Healy: With... uh... Rice-a-Roni.
Ted: Isn't that the San Francisco treat?
Pat Healy: It was. They're changing their image.

Is that... is that hair gel?

I had my window?

Ted

[narrating] When I was 16 years old, I fell in love.

Ted

Magda: What are you doing?
Magda's boyfriend: That's my girl he's kissing.
Magda: But you just slept with me.
Magda's boyfriend: I was only boning you to get to Mary.

We got a bleeder!

Paramedic

Ted: I'm telling you, I did not solicit sex! I was just stopping to go the bathroom, next thing I know I tripped over something - well someone - and, poof, there's cops and lights and ...
Detective Stabler: Okay, calm down, Ted, we believe you. The problem is we found your friend in the car.
Ted: Oh. The hitchhiker. That's what this is all about. Isn't that just my luck - I get caught for everything.

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There's Something About Mary Quotes

I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.

Ted

[pretending to sound genuine] Yup, those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going.

Pat Healy