Mary: Hey, you want to go upstairs and watch SportsCenter?
Ted: No, I think I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead.
Mary: You're not that far ahead, Ted.

Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?
Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumbass.

What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan!

Mary: Did you mean what you said up there?
Ted: Well ya I just want you to be happy Mary.
Mary: But I'd be happiest with you.

Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?!

Mary's Stepfather

[singing, narrating] His friends would say stop whining, they've had enough of that. His friends would say stop pining, there's other girls to look at. They've tried to set him up with Tiffany and Indigo... But there's something about Mary that they don't know.... Mary, there's just something about Mary.


[to Tucker] We agreed I wouldn't fuck you, and you wouldn't fuck me until we got this other fuck outta the fuckin' picture!

Pat Healy

Have you seen my baseball?


Charlie Jensen: Is it the frank or the beans?
Ted: Um ... I don't know ... both I guess.
Warren: [from outside] Franks and beans! Franks and beans!

Ted: Japan? What's she doing in Japan?
Pat Healy: Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too.
Ted: What, are they desperate? She's a whale!
Pat Healy: You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna.

Ted: I think I still want to look her up.
Pat Healy: Who, rollerpig? Are you nuts?
Ted: You said she was a real sparkplug.
Pat Healy: No, I said buttplug. She's heinous.

Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
Ted: That - good point.
Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Ted: Why?
Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!

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There's Something About Mary Quotes

Boy, don't make me open up a can of whoop-ass!

Mary's Stepfather

We got a bleeder!