Listen up, you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you.

Michelle

Tommy: I... I left a message.
Richard Hayden: A message? What number did you call?
Tommy: Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
Richard Hayden: I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy: No, it was cordless.
Richard Hayden: You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.

Richard Hayden: Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.
Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.
Richard Hayden: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy: Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
Richard Hayden: Are you talking?
Tommy: Shut up, Richard.

Kid in Bank: Hey, Mom! It's the guy who robbed the bank.
Tommy: I didn't rob any bank.
Kid in Bank: Oh, yeah, right. Like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head.
Tommy: I got a tiny head?

Michelle: [holds up box of donuts] Want one?
Tommy: I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here.

Tommy: Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady, Customer: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy: No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard: Wow.

Tommy Likey! Tommy want wing-ey!

Hey, there's even a fridge! You could put six packs of be..... [glances at his dad] ... soda in here!

Tommy: Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've got... a... plan.
Richard Hayden: Yikes.

What the? Oh Richard you're a riot. Stop the car. Son of a. What the hell's gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper and I got piss all over my pants!

Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Richard Hayden: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.

Tommy: Hey, what's your name?
Helen: Helen.
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty.

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Tommy Boy Quotes

Tommy: Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady, Customer: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy: No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard: Wow.

Tommy: Hmmm. He seems like a nice guy.
Richard Hayden: This is the guy trying to buy the company, not to mention put you out on the street, and all you can say is, "Hmmm, he seems like a nice guy!"