Favorite Tommy Boy Quotes
Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson, Customer: [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well, that's ...
Richard Hayden: ...What?
"Brothers don't shake. Brothers gotta HUG!!"
It's called reading! Top to bottom, left to right... a group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches... Midol for any cramps.Richard Hayden
Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.Richard Hayden
Ok, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy, he's gonna be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking and he's never been laid.Richard Hayden
Tommy: That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can't you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again!
[Richard punches him again]
Tommy: Hey everybody, is there a window open; I feel a draft!
[Richard punches him twice]
Tommy: If I wanted a kiss, I'd call your mother!
[Richard hits him over the face with a 2Ã—4]
Tommy: That was a good one.
Richard Hayden: Hey, Prehistoric Forest!
Tommy: Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?
Richard Hayden: Okay let's get some shut eye.
Tommy: Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?
What the? Oh Richard you're a riot. Stop the car. Son of a. What the hell's gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper and I got piss all over my pants!
Richard Hayden: Hey... I was just thinking... when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Tommy: Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard Hayden: True. But you can't latch the hood too well, IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT, YOU NO-SELLING WASTE OF SPACE.
[runs into a glass wall] Ow, That's gonna leave a mark.
Richard Hayden: What is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?
Tommy: Ohhhh, man...
Richard Hayden: One and a...
Tommy: ...half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?
Richard Hayden: Try an association like, uhhh... Let's say the average person uses ten percent of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.
Tommy: Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've got... a... plan.
Richard Hayden: Yikes.