What the? Oh Richard you're a riot. Stop the car. Son of a. What the hell's gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper and I got piss all over my pants!

Tommy: Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?
Richard Hayden: Okay let's get some shut eye.
Tommy: Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?

Tommy: That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can't you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again!
[Richard punches him again]
Tommy: Hey everybody, is there a window open; I feel a draft!
[Richard punches him twice]
Tommy: If I wanted a kiss, I'd call your mother!
[Richard hits him over the face with a 2×4]
Tommy: That was a good one.
Richard Hayden: Hey, Prehistoric Forest!

It's called reading! Top to bottom, left to right... a group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches... Midol for any cramps.

Richard Hayden

Ok, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy, he's gonna be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking and he's never been laid.

Richard Hayden

Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.

Richard Hayden

Richard Hayden: All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no.....
Tommy: No shit from anyone!
Richard Hayden: No.
Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners.
Richard Hayden: We don't take no for answer.
Tommy: Oh yeah... We don't take no for an answer! We don't take no for an answer...

Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z."

Ray Zalinsky

"Brothers don't shake. Brothers gotta HUG!!"

"Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a lit-tle co-at."

You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, 'cause I'll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass.

Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard Hayden: No, your face does.

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Tommy Boy Quotes

Tommy: Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady, Customer: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy: No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard: Wow.

Hey, there's even a fridge! You could put six packs of be..... [glances at his dad] ... soda in here!

Tommy