Well, then, I just HATE you... and I hate your... ass... FACE!

Corky St. Clair

Lloyd Miller: [whispering] I don't want to interfere, but I think it would be... I think we have to work on...
Corky St. Clair: I can't hear you!
Lloyd Miller: [normal voice] I think we have to work on the music a little bit more. But I don't want to make trouble. So,
[whispering again]
Lloyd Miller: and I don't really want to do this in front of them...
Corky St. Clair: Well, where do you want to do it?
Lloyd Miller: [whispering] Well, I think we have to sit down and make a schedule that includes some music time, because I think Jane and I have to work...
Corky St. Clair: Why are you whispering? I'm right here, you know?
Lloyd Miller: [raising voice considerably] Oh I'm sorry, do you want me to talk louder? Because I think that that it would be...
Corky St. Clair: Well now it's too loud! You know, just talk like a normal person, OK?

There's a saying in Missouri, if you don't like the weather just wait five minutes. In Blaine, with hard work, I think we can get that down to three or four minutes.

Glenn Welsch, Mayor

I've been coming to this circle for about five years, and measuring it. The diameter and the circumference are constantly changing, but the radius stays the same. Which brings me to the number 5. There are five letters in the word Blaine. Now, if you mix up the letters in the word Blaine, mix 'em around, eventually, you'll come up with Nebali. Nebali. The name of a planet in a galaxy way, way, way... way far away. And another thing. Once you go into that circle, the weather never changes. It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain.

UFO Expert

...'cause you people are BASTARD PEOPLE!

Corky St. Clair

Corky St. Clair: So what I'm understanding here - correct me, if I'm wrong - is that you're not givin' me... any money... so now I'm left basically with nothin', I'm... left with ZERO, in which, in which, what can I do with zero, you know? What can I... I can't do ANYTHIN' with it! I need to, this is my LIFE here we're talking about! We're not just talkin' about, you know, somethin' else, were talking about MY life, you know? And it's forcing me to do somethin' I don't wanna do. To leave. To, to go out and just leave and go home and say, make a clean cut here and say "no way, Corky, you're not puttin' up with these people!" And I'll tell you why I can't put up with you people: because you're BASTARD people! That's what you are! You're just bastard people! And I'm goin' home and I'm gonna... I'm gonna BITE MY PILLOW, is what I'm gonna do!

People say, You must have been the class clown. And I say, No, I wasn't. But I sat next to the class clown, and I studied him.

Dr. Pearl

It's a Zen thing, like how many babies fit in a tire.

Corky St. Clair

We consider ourselves bi-costal if you consider the Mississippi River one of the coasts.

Ron Albertson

Blaine is the stool capital of the world.

Glenn Welsch

If there's an empty space, just fill it with a line, that's what I like to do. Even if it's from another show.

Ron Albertson

Some people find it ironical that although we run a travel agency, we've never been outside of Blaine.

Ron Albertson

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Waiting for Guffman Quotes

[singing at an old folks home in Miami] Bubbe made a kishke, she made it big and fat, My Zaydeh took one look at it and said "I can't eat that!' ... Oh Bubbe, Bubbe, Bubbe, Oh Bubbe me oh myyyyyyyy...

Dr. Pearl

You have to go where the love is. And the love for me, right now, is in Miami, not Blaine.

Dr. Pearl