[during "Red, White, and Blaine production] I love you too pa. You taught me how to be a man. How to wrastle a steer to the ground and apply a fiery brand to his hind-quarters. And yes, how to love a woman. How the smell of her hair can drive a man wild!

Corky St. Clair

Well, it's like, how many babies fit the tire? You know, that old joke.

Corky St. Clair

I dream of Genie with the light brown hair. Floating like a vapor on the soft summer air. LOOK OUT! Campdown races sing this song doo da doo da...

Dr. Pearl

[singing at an old folks home in Miami] Bubbe made a kishke, she made it big and fat, My Zaydeh took one look at it and said "I can't eat that!' ... Oh Bubbe, Bubbe, Bubbe, Oh Bubbe me oh myyyyyyyy...

Dr. Pearl

It's like in a Hitchcock movie, you know, where they tie you up in a rubber bag and throw you in the trunk of a car. You find people.

Corky St. Clair

[attempting to say "Hello, how are you" in a Cockney accent] Ello, ow are ooo?

Corky St. Clair

I was shopping for my wife Bonnie. I buy most of her clothes and Mrs Pearl was in the same shop! And it just was an accident you know, we started talking... about panty hose, she was saying... whatever that's not the point of the story but what the point is is that through this accidental meeting... it's like a Hitchcock movie you know where you're thrown into a rubber bag and put in the trunk of a car, you find people. You find them. Something, is is it karma? Maybe. But we found him, that's the important thing. And I got Bonnie a wonderful pantsuit.

Corky St. Clair

I've been coming to this circle for about five years, and measuring it. The diameter and the circumference are constantly changing, but the radius stays the same. Which brings me to the number 5. There are five letters in the word Blaine. Now, if you mix up the letters in the word Blaine, mix 'em around, eventually, you'll come up with Nebali. Nebali. The name of a planet in a galaxy way, way, way... way far away. And another thing. Once you go into that circle, the weather never changes. It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain.

UFO Expert

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Waiting for Guffman Quotes

[singing at an old folks home in Miami] Bubbe made a kishke, she made it big and fat, My Zaydeh took one look at it and said "I can't eat that!' ... Oh Bubbe, Bubbe, Bubbe, Oh Bubbe me oh myyyyyyyy...

Dr. Pearl

You have to go where the love is. And the love for me, right now, is in Miami, not Blaine.

Dr. Pearl