John Beckwith: [about Chaz] He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!
Jeremy Grey: Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts!

Jeremy Grey: Have you ever shot one of these things before?
John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: I look totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
John Beckwith: I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy Grey: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.

I almost numchucked you, you don't even realize!

Chazz Reingold

Todd Cleary: We had a moment at the dinner table didn't we?
Jeremy Grey: No! No! We did not have a moment at the dinner table, Todd!

What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.

John Beckwith

Claire Cleary: Are you OK?
John Beckwith: Yeah, I'm just swinging the jib for your dad, starboard.
Claire Cleary: But starboard's *this* way.
John Beckwith: That's right. What am I thinking? I'm used to sailing down under with the kiwis so everything's backwards and the toilets when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks you out the first time you see it.

Chazz Reinhold: So how's my protégé?
John Beckwith: Jeremy, believe it or not, is getting married!
Chazz Reinhold: What? What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for you and me.

Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this bullshit? Rule #32: never commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.
John Beckwith: Rule #16: give me an up-to-date family tree, that was your mistake, you just made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!

Father O'Neil: And now for our second reading I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern.
John Beckwith: 20 bucks First Corinthians.
Jeremy Grey: Double or nothing Colossians 3:12.
Gloria Cleary: And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.

John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late.
Jeremy Grey: No problem.
John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash.
Jeremy Grey: It's ok.
John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't know what that means.
Jeremy Grey: John, it's all right. Do you mind if I get married now?

Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and I think I'm ready to take this relationship, our relationship to the next level.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, I am so ready to take it to the next level.
Jeremy Grey: Really?
Gloria Cleary: Yeah. Do you want to watch me with another girl? How about those Brazilian twins we met at the ball game?
Jeremy Grey: I was thinking more along the lines of an engagement.
Gloria Cleary: Oh Jeremy, I do!
Jeremy Grey: I love you.
Gloria Cleary: I love you.

HEY MOM! CAN WE GET SOME MEATLOAF?

Chazz Reinhold

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Wedding Crashers Quotes

Jeremy Grey: Okay, what's our back story?
John Beckwith: We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.
Jeremy Grey: I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
John Beckwith: Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
Jeremy Grey: I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?

John Beckwith: Seamus O'Toole.
Jeremy Grey: Bobby O'Shea.
John Beckwith: I'm ready to get drunk!