I love sluts! Sluts rock! It's just, you know, it's just gotta be the right slut, you know?


Gary: Hey Abby, I thought this was a different bunk.
Abby Bernstein: No.
Gary: Am I bothering you?

Henry: So, do you work here?
Beth: Yeah, I'm the Camp Director. You?
Henry: Me, no, I don't work here.
Beth: No, yeah, I'm the camp director... I would know if you worked here.
Henry: Oh, right.

The phone! The phone! Where's the fucking phone?


When we first started hanging out together, this morning, we were just friends; but things change, and I've fallen in love with you. I just know that if you gave me a chance, I could make you feel so good. So I am coming, not as your buddy, and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man - a man who loves a woman, and who wants to hold her and provide for her and, yes, have sex with her; but no, seriously, Katie, I love the way you laugh and I love the way your hair smells and I love it that sometimes for no reason you're late for shul, and I don't care that you're bowlegged and I don't care that you're bilingual - all I know is that I would have said no to every single person on your list because I've always wanted you.


Susie: You guys, I'm really going to miss this place.
Coop: Me too.
Ben: Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today, we'll meet again, and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.
Susie: Yeah!
Ben: What time do you wanna meet?
J.J.: You mean ten years from now?
Coop: Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.
Susie: Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00? 9:30?
Coop: Well, let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30.
McKinley: Well, no, why don't we say 9:30, and then make it your beeswax to be here by 9:30? I mean, we'll all be in our late 20s by then. I just don't see any reason why we can't be places on time.
Gary: Okay, then, it's settled. 9:30 it is. All agreed?
Together: Agreed.
McKinley: Good, because I have something at 11:00.
Gary: You just have like a trapper-keeper full of appointments, right?
McKinley: No, I just have something at 11:00, and I can't change it, because I already moved it twice.

Oh, fuck my cock!


OK, stop. I feel like I'm watching regional theatre, you guys. God! Am I in the Cleveland Playhouse or something? Your craft is a muscle, you need to exercise it. Take a break; think about what you've done.


Coop: I want you inside me.
Katie: What did you say?
Coop: Oh hey... from before...

Gail: I hope you like shrimp cocktail, because I want you to be guests of honor at our wedding next week!
Beth: Well, I hope it's not jumbo shrimp, because I'm allergic to oxymorons!

Beth: Listen, Henry...
Henry: Please, call me Henry.
Beth: Okay, Henry it is.

Gary: McKinley needs to experience "The Ultimate"!
J.J.: You mean, penis-in-vagina?
Gary: No, dickhead - sex.

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Wet Hot American Summer Quotes

McKinley: Arty, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to take a shower today.
Arty: OK.
McKinley: 'Cause your parents are coming tomorrow, and I don't want to get in trouble.
Arty: Sure.
McKinley: You haven't taken a shower once this summer. Not once in 8 weeks.
Arty: I will.
McKinley: You're covered in dirt. Take a shower.

I went to sleepaway camp so long ago that it was the Stone Age. No, but seriously, it wasn't the Stone Age... it was the Ice Age! No, really, it was the Stone Age.

Alan Shemper