Charlie Fineman: Are you a faggot?.
Alan Johnson: Don't say faggot, you just don't call people faggot that's rude.
Charlie Fineman: To a gay guy it is, to you it's just a funny word like poundcake or pickle... You really need some Mel.
Charlie Fineman: [ordering tickets] Take one adult and one faggot.

You're a good husband Alan. You remind me of me.

Charlie Fineman

He likes you Alan, you know why? Because you know nothing about his family.


Charlie Fineman: Can he go out? Is he allowed out?
Alan Johnson: Don't do that, dont ask my wife permisson for me to go out.
Charlie Fineman: Alright, you're right. Can you go out?

I was stuck in Charlie world, I couldn't leave.

Alan Johnson

[narrating] This is Lulu. She's a full on club minx. Major head banger. We've known each other for years. Some people find her very intimidating. It's purely social camouflage. Recently we became dropping partners. And that is how I got to know the real Lulu. She's a pussycat.


Why would I want a man? They're all emotionally retarded, egotistical pricks who fuck with your head. They try to control you and make you feel like the whore of Babylon if you wear a mini skirt. I'm an independent girl who wears lipstick because she wants to, not because men find it more attractive. I'm fine being single. I am! Peachy fuckin' creamy.


Moff: Where am I gonna go for fuck sake?
Jip: I dunno. What the fuck do you care? As long as it's got a fucking phone line you're all right ain't ya.
Moff: [laughs] Fuck off you cunt.

[on the huge bill Moff ran up after a drunken phone sex session] How many times have I told ya, get your own fucking flat. Get your own flat man, you need your own flat. It's a piece of piss, you can get it on the social.


I fucking hate this job man. We spend nine hours a day, five days a week incarcerated in this wanky fucking store, having to act like C-3PO to any wanker who wants to condescend to us. We have to brown nose the customers, then we get abused by some... mini fucking Hitler who just gives us stick all day.


Koop: [on the phone] Are your legs open, you filthy little harlot?
Lulu: Is that you Koop?
Koop: Oh fuck, shit, sorry Lulu. Yeah, is Nina there please? Sorry. [mouths] Fucking wanker.

See ya later Pete, no one gives a fuck about ya.


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