Carol Connelly: You're going to die soon with that diet. You know that, right?
Melvin Udall: Oh, we're all going to die soon. I will, you will, and it sure sounds like your son will.

A compliment is something nice about somebody else.

Carol Connelly

As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap what or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?

Melvin Udall

How much more you got to eat? Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh?

Melvin Udall

Melvin Udall: Oh, you were talking about your dog. I thought you were referring to that colored man inside your apartment.
Simon Bishop: Uh, what color would that be?
Melvin Udall: Like uh, like thick MO-lasses.

Lucky for you... you're here for rock-bottom. You absolute horror of a human being.

Simon Bishop

Carol Connelly: How are you?
Simon Bishop: Don't ask. I'm tired of my own complaints. I need to get some new thoughts.
Carol Connelly: Why? What are you thinking about now?
Simon Bishop: How to die, mostly.
Carol Connelly: To think that in our little mix you're the good roommate.

Carol Connelly: Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me!
Beverly Connelly: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.

Simon Bishop: Rot in hell, Melvin!
Melvin Udall: No need to stop being a lady. Quit worryin! You'll be back on your knees in no time!

You're a disgrace to depression.

Melvin Udall

To hell with sex! It was better than sex! We held each other! What I needed, he gave me great.

Carol Connelly

Melvin Udall: I can't get back to my old life. She's evicted me from my life!
Simon Bishop: Did you really like it all that much?

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