Ed McDonnough: We finally go out with decent people and you break his nose. That ain't too funny, Hi.
H.I.: His kids seemed to think it was funny.
Ed McDonnough: Well they're just kids.

H.I.: A man for a husband.
Ed McDonnough: That ain't no answer.
H.I.: Honey, that's the only answer.
Ed McDonnough: That ain't no answer.

Say, did you hear about the person of the Polish persuasion who walked into a bar with a big 'ol pile of shit in his hands and he says, "Look what I almost stepped in"?


Policeman: What did the pajamas look like?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: I don't know ... they were jammies! They had Yodas 'n' shit on 'em!

Nathan Arizona Sr.: I got the cops and the Federal BI out there lookin' for my boy...
Leonard Smalls: Cops won't find your boy. A cop couldn't find his butt if it had a bell on it.

Nathan Arizona Sr.: If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a- hoppin'. Look, it is exactly 8:45 in the PM. I'll be down at that store in exactly 12 hours to kick me some butt. Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!

Son, you got a panty on your head.


H.I.: What are you talkin' about, Glen?
Glen: What am I talkin' about? I'm talkin' about sex, boy, what the hell you talkin' about? I'm talkin' about l'amour! I'm talkin' that me and Dot are swingers, as in "to swing." I'm talkin' about wife swappin'. I'm talkin' about what they call nowadays open marriage. I'm talk...
H.I.: [Knocks Glen out] Keep your damn hands off my wife!

Gale: Why ain't you breast-feeding? You appear to be capable.
Ed McDonnough: Mind your own bid'ness.
Evelle: Ma'am, you don't breast-feed him, he'll hate you for it later. That's why we wound up in prison.
Gale: Anyway, that's what Doc Schwartz tells us.

Policeman: Do you have any disgruntled employees?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Hell, they're all disgruntled. I ain't running no damn daisy farm. My motto is "Do it my way or watch your butt!"
Policeman: Well, do you think any of them could've done it?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Oh, don't make me laugh. Without my say-so they wouldn't piss with their pants on fire.

Now you take that diaper off your head and you put it back on your sister!


Cellmate: ...and when there was no meat... we ate fowl... and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad... and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand.
H.I.: You ate what?
Cellmate: We ate sand.
H.I.: You ate SAND?
Cellmate: That's right.

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