Shaun: [in concerned tone] Mum, have you been bitten?
Barbara: No, but Philip has.
Shaun: Oh, OK.
Ed: [concerned] Has she been bitten?
Shaun: No, but Phillip has.
Ed: Oh, OK.

[after Shaun hits zombie with butt of rifle] Why didn't you just shoot him?

Ed

Ed: Hey, Shaun, look who it is!
Shaun: FUCK-A-DOODLE-DO!

Shaun: Don't point that gun at my mum!
Ed: Don't point that gun at Barbara!

Shaun: It's not that I don't wanna spend time with you, cause I do. It's just... Ed doesn't have too many friends.
Ed: Can I get... any of you cunts... a drink?

Judge: You think you can help him?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Yep. And if I can't, I'll tear him apart with my bare hands.

By the way, I like to sleep in the nude.

Dr. Buddy Rydell

He was wondering how a man weighing 600 pounds could teach people about self-discipline.

Dr. Buddy Rydell

Chuck: After I got back, I went through a rough time. Drinkin' booze, shootin' holes in the ceilin', screamin' myself to sleep... Finally, my parents said I had to move out.
Dave Buznik: So I'm guessing that's when you decided to shack up with your aunt.
Chuck: Don't get cute, wise ass... But, yes.

Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave, there are two kinds of angry people - explosive and implosive. Explosive is the type of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking his coupon. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and then finally shoots everyone in the store. You're the cashier.
Dave Buznik: No, no, no. I'm the guy in the frozen food section diallin' 911. I swear.

Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave assaulted a female flight attendant.
Stacy: Nice!
Gina: I bet you beat her good.
Dave Buznik: I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman...
Chuck: Liar, Bullshiter... you're a WOMAN BEATER! And you can't admit it because you're a deluded piece of garbage!

Flirting is the second cousin of Cheating.

Dave Buznik

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