I woke up in a great mood; I don't know what the hell happened.

Mike Damone

What are you, people? On dope?

Mr. Hand

Those guys are fags.

Jeff Spicoli

GET OFF MY CASE MOTHERFUCKER!

Brad Hamilton

Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you have to get up
Jeff Spicoli: LEAVE ME ALONE!
Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you're gonna be late again you butthole!
Jeff Spicoli: LEAVE ME ALONE!
Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you're gonna be late again you booger!

I think I just came... didn't you feel it?

Mike Damone

Businessman: It says one hundred percent guaranteed, you moron!
Brad Hamilton: Mister, if you don't shut up I'm gonna kick one hundred percent of your ass!

Stacy Hamilton: When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?
Linda Barrett: A quart or so.

That was my skull! I'm so wasted!

Jeff Spicoli

Jeff Spicoli: No shirt, no shoes...
Stoner Friend: No dice! Ohhhh.
Brad Hamilton: Right. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
Jeff Spicoli: He's the full hot orator.

Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli: Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes!
Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna shit!
Jeff Spicoli: Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?
Jefferson's Brother: First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli: Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.

[driving stoned] People on 'ludes should not drive.

Jeff Spicoli

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