Randolph Duke: Money isn't everything, Mortimer.
Mortimer Duke: Oh, grow up.
Randolph Duke: Mother always said you were greedy.
Mortimer Duke: She meant it as a compliment.

Billy Ray: Merry New Year!
Beeks: That's "happy." In this country we say "Happy New Year."
Billy Ray: Oh, ho, ho, thank you for correcting my English which stinks!

Louis: Looking good, Billy Ray!
Billy Ray: Feeling good, Louis!

Coleman: Would you like a sip of whiskey?
Billy Ray Valentine: I do not drink, it is against my religion!
Coleman: Religion is a good thing I say, taken in moderation.

Billy Ray Valentine: You can't go around shooting people in the kneecaps just because your pissed at them.
Louis Winthorpe III: Why not?

Billy Ray Valentine: You know, you can't just go around and shoot people in the kneecaps with a double-barrelled shotgun 'cause you pissed at 'em.
Louis Winthorpe III: Why not?
Billy Ray Valentine: 'Cause it's called assault with a deadly weapon, you get 20 years for that shit.
Louis Winthorpe III: Listen, do you have any better ideas?
Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah. You know, it occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.
Coleman: You have to admit, sir, you didn't like it yourself a bit.

Governor Tracy: I have heard the voice of the voters and the voters said...
[Mike is screaming for help while hanging from his underwear on a satellite dish]
Governor Tracy: ...Holy Shit?!

Mike: I'm stoned... so are you!
[looks in the backseat]
Mike: Dammit! The nitrous oxide's leaking into the car! OK, calm down... we just gotta keep under the speed limit... limit...
[starts giggling]
Mike: Limit! Haha, that's another one of those freaky words!

Hold your tongue, wench.


I could go over to your mama's and light a small fire in her panties!


Mike: [to Rock the Vote crowd] Yea! Kill whitey!
Rastafarian: No! No! No!

Boy, I could sure use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right now.


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