Tommy: [in front of fan] La-la-la-loo-loo... Luuuke... Luuuke! I am your fah-ther! La-la-lay-lu...
Richard Hayden: Oh, I've interrupted happy time! Now I know you want to sit there and keep being not slim, but we gotta work a little today.
Tommy: That was from Star Wars.
Richard Hayden: I know.

Tommy Likey! Tommy want wing-ey!

Tommy

Tommy: No offense, but if I showed a picture of your mom to some of my buddies at school, she'd definitely be "Boner of the Month."
Paul: I'm honored. Is there anything to do in this town besides eat?

And... what about seat belts? To fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end and... you know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seatbelt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you're a *retard*.

Richard Hayden

Tommy: Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've got... a... plan.
Richard Hayden: Yikes.

Richard Hayden: What is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?
Tommy: Ohhhh, man...
Richard Hayden: One and a...
Tommy: ...half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?
Richard Hayden: Try an association like, uhhh... Let's say the average person uses ten percent of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.

[runs into a glass wall] Ow, That's gonna leave a mark.

Tommy

Richard Hayden: Hey... I was just thinking... when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Tommy: Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard Hayden: True. But you can't latch the hood too well, IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT, YOU NO-SELLING WASTE OF SPACE.

Tommy: Hey, what's your name?
Helen: Helen.
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty.

What the? Oh Richard you're a riot. Stop the car. Son of a. What the hell's gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper and I got piss all over my pants!

Tommy

Tommy: Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?
Richard Hayden: Okay let's get some shut eye.
Tommy: Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?

Tommy: That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can't you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again!
[Richard punches him again]
Tommy: Hey everybody, is there a window open; I feel a draft!
[Richard punches him twice]
Tommy: If I wanted a kiss, I'd call your mother!
[Richard hits him over the face with a 2×4]
Tommy: That was a good one.
Richard Hayden: Hey, Prehistoric Forest!

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