Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have?
Roy: None that I know of. I mean, I'm unable to have children. Nasty cheese grating accident as a boy.

Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr. Munson?
Roy: I don't puke when I drink. I puke when I don't.

ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years?
Roy: Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh... Drinking. Lot a drinking.
ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking?
Roy: No. I uh... I put... uh... Why, you buying?

Neighbor: Hey Roy, can you get sick from drinking piss?
Roy: I think you can.
Neighbor: Even if its your own?

Some of the dresses ya' got, ya' need two hairdos to wear.


Roy: How about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the the novelty machine in the men's room? I mean, those are fun even when you're alone. We're talkin' the hula hoop of the nineties.
Lancaster Bowl Manager: Look, I've told you. We don't need nuthin'. We don't even have a novelty machine in the men's room anymore.
Roy: And you call yourselves a bowling alley?


John Farley

John Farley: Lets go Woodcock.
Mr. Woodcock: You must like getting spanked Farley, I guess it runs in the family.

[Asking the flight attendant] Could I get a real bottle please? I'm an alcoholic not a Barbie doll.

Maggie Hoffman

Yo, I gotsta have sex tonight!

Kenny Fisher

It was October, freshman year. First time in history that I'd ever missed the bus. If I had arrived on time, I never would've seen her. But as it was, I was the first person at Huntington Hills High to set eyes on Amanda Beckett. It was her first day at school. Then, I'm sitting in class enjoying a late breakfast when out of all the classrooms in the entire school, she walks into mine. And where does the teacher sit her? Right next to me! Now, up until now, one could write this off to coincidence. But then she reaches in her bag and pulls out a strawberry Pop-Tart - the very same breakfast pastry I was consuming at that moment! What was I to do? How was I to proceed?


Yearbook Girl: Kenny Fisher, sign my yearbook.
Kenny Fisher: No, thanks. No time.
Yearbook Girl: Come on. Where's your school spirit? Go, Hot Dogs!
DJ Sammy: Bitch, get a life!

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