Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!

Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!

[aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self destruct button.

Self-Destruct Voice

What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?

Dark Helmet

Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star!

So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time.

Lone Starr

Barf: I know we need the money, but...
Lone Starr: Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!
Barf: Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you - you're always right.

Colonel Sandurz: [in reference to not wanting to attack Yogurt's lair] But your ring! Don't you wear the schwartz too?
Dark Helmet: No, he got the upside. There are two sides to every schwartz. He got the upside, I got the downside.

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!

Lone Starr: I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
Lone Starr: Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

Lone Starr: A million? That's unfair.
Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to payor but not to payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else!
Barf: Or else what?
Pizza the Hutt: Tell him, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Or else pizza is gonna send out for *you*!

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