Bruce: There were so many. I just gave them all what they want.
God: Yeah. But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?

Grace: It's weird. I woke up this morning and I swear my boobs felt bigger. Do they look bigger to you?
Bruce: Bigger?

So God is picking on you?

Grace

Bruce: Is this heaven?
God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.
[pause]
Bruce: I'm *dead*?
God: Naw, I'm just messing with ya.
Bruce: That's not funny, Man! That is *not* funny.

Bruce: Who are you?
God: I'm the one. The Divine Being. Alpha and Omega.
Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going...
God: Bruce... I'm God.
Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says... God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well God, nice job on the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way: you *SUCK*!

[Reading from a manuscript of what Bruce said the previous evening] "The gloves are off, God.", "God has taken my bird and my bush.", "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.", "Smite me, O Mighty Smiter." Now, I'm not big on blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.

God

Grace: You still have to go over there, the nurse is waiting.
Bruce: Oh, do I have to?
Grace: Oh, it's not going to hurt. In fact I think you might find it quite pleasurable.

I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!

Bruce

First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?

Bruce

Behind every great man... is a woman rolling her eyes.

Bruce

We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.

Bruce

God, why do you hate me?

Bruce

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