Leslie: How's Howie?
Wendy: Oh well, I wouldn't say my father's trying to bribe me, but he did offer me a Chrysler Lebaron convertible if I get engaged to Howie.
Jules: Have you fucked him yet?
Wendy: Jules!... God.
Jules: Listen... get the car, fuck him, and if you don't like him, break the engagement... And then you can still fuck him.

So you lost your job? I've lost 20 since graduation. Plus a wife and kid. And, in a new development this morning, a handful of hair in the shower drain.


I should have had a vasectomy at birth! Let me tell you something Al, you ever have boys, do them a favor and get them neutered straight away. If they ever knock up some little slut, they're the ones who're fucked! Fucked for life! I hate you, you little bitch!


Leslie: Alec is becoming a Republican... and he wants to get married! Oh, my God!
Jules: I always knew he was a Republican!

Kirby: Why do they put ice in the urinals?
Kevin: It tastes better.
Kirby: Bah Dum bum ching.

You know Jules, there is the brink of insanity and then there is the abyss, which obviously you have fallen into!


Jules: I thought you were taking steps to phase out everything that wasn't working in your life.
Wendy: That doesn't leave much.

No diet works. The only way to lose weight in the thighs is amputation.


Kirby: There are several quintessential moments in a man's life: losing his virginity, getting married, becoming a father, and having the right girl smile at you.

Kirby: You are just pissed off and bitter because you have not had sex in... how long? What is it... a year... maybe two? Refresh my memory please, Kevin. Haven't you heard of the sexual revolution?
Kevin: Who won, huh? Nobody. Used to be sex was the only free thing, No longer. Alimony... palimony... it's all financial. Love is an illusion.
Kirby: It's the only illusion that counts, my friend.
Kevin: Says who?
Kirby: Anyone who's been in love.
Kevin: Love sucks.
Kirby: So does your attitude.

You know there are more people in law school right now than there are lawyers on the entire planet? Think about that.


Kevin: Marriage is a concept invented by people who were lucky to make it to 20 without being eaten by dinosaurs. Marriage is obsolete.
Alec: Dinosaurs are obsolete. Marriage is still around.

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