Will Smith: 'Ey, you Brickman?
Ollie: No. I'm just a guy who'd rather play in the dirt with his kid.

My Mum says my Dad has brown eyes because he is full of shit.


Bart: If Gertie could see the shit you've been pulling.
Ollie: Gertie can't see anything, Dad. She's dead.
Bart: That's right, she is. But you aint. And neither is that kid.

Man cannot live on porn alone.


Forget about what you thought you were and just accept who you are.


Ollie: Come on, Dad. Don't you wanna live alone again?
Bart: Not as much as I don't wanna die alone.

Maya: I do it at least twice a day.
Ollie: Good God!

Gertrude Steiney: You try getting ready quickly when you look like this! I'm so fat and there's gonna be nothing but beautiful skinny girls there!
Ollie: That's because they're all coked-out whores, honey.
Gertrude Steiney: [crying] I wanna be a coked-out whore!

Try acting like a father, shithead.


Okay, it's like this. My dog ate my paper. I checked, but he didn't poop it out.


George Michael is all about the ladies. "I want your sex." Does that sound like he's singing to a guy?


Ollie: Do you have any questions about what you saw?
Gertie: [thinking hard] Do you have what Brian has?
Ollie: Yes.
Gertie: [thinking hard] Is it as big as his?
Ollie: Sadly, yes.

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