Quentin Hapsburg: Do you gamble?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Every time I order out.

Quentin Hapsburg: I don't recall your name on the guest list.
Lt. Frank Drebin: That's OK. I sometimes go by my maiden name.

Looks like the cows have come home to roost.

Lt. Frank Drebin

Lt. Frank Drebin: You know, sometimes I envy you and Edna. You have the same person every day for over 30 years. You wake up, eat with her, sleep with her. Make love to the same woman.
[Ed looks increasingly disgusted as Frank goes on]
Lt. Frank Drebin: You spend every possible waking moment together, while I'm out running around with a bunch of 20-year-olds who only want a good time and cheap sex sex sex. Girls who can't say no. Girls who can't get enough. "More, more, more. It's your turn now to wear the handcuffs...”
[Ed starts foaming at the mouth... literally]
Lt. Frank Drebin: I just want love, Ed.
Ed Hocken: I'm sure you'll... find love, Frank.

Lt. Frank Drebin: I couldn't believe it was her. It was like a dream. But there she was, just as I remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say...”Hey! Look at these!" She was the kind of woman who made you want to drop to your knees and thank God you were a man! She reminded me of my mother, all right. No doubt about it.
Ed Hocken: Frank, snap out of it! You're looking at her like she was your mother for Christ's sake!

Dr. Mainheimer: You're thinking about him again, aren't you? What was his name? Frank?
Jane Spencer: Yes.
Dr. Mainheimer: You just can't forget him, can you?
Jane Spencer: Who?
Dr. Mainheimer: Frank!

Lt. Frank Drebin: I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!
[Music stops playing. Everyone stops talking and stares at him]
Lt. Frank Drebin: [to everybody] I mean at the time I was dating a lot.

Jane Spencer: Sam, would you play our song, just one more time?
Sam: Of course... DING DONG! The witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch!

Lt. Frank Drebin: That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.
Captain Ed Hocken: Sex, Frank?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Uh, no, not right now, Ed.

Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr... Poopy Pants?

Lt. Frank Drebin

Busty Female Shop Assistant: Is this some kind of bust?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Well, it's very impressive, yes, but we need to ask you a few questions.

Go ahead, threaten me like you have the American people for so long! You're part of a dying breed, Hapsburg, like people who can name all fifty states! The truth hurts, doesn't it, Hapsburg? Oh sure, maybe not as much as landing on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts!

Lt. Frank Drebin

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