Welcome to America's weirdest home videos.

Ricky Fitts

I know you think my dad's harmless, but you're wrong.

Jane Burnham

Look at me, jerking off in the shower... This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here.

Lester Burnham

I feel like I've been in a coma for the past 20 years. And I'm just now waking up.

Lester Burnham

Brad: [reading Lester's job assessment] "My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell." Well, you have absolutely no interest in saving yourself.
Lester Burnham: Brad, for 14 years I've been a whore for the advertising industry. The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.

Lester Burnham: I figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. I need to shape up. Fast.
Jim Olmeyer: Are you just looking to lose weight, or do you want increased strength and flexibility as well?
Lester Burnham: I wanna look good naked!

Lester Burnham: Don't worry, honey, I won't be weird. I'll be whatever what you want me to be.
[kisses Carolyn wildly]
Lester Burnham: We have a very healthy relationship.
Buddy Kane: I see.

Carolyn Burnham: My husband, Lester.
Buddy Kane: It's a pleasure.
Lester Burnham: Oh, we've met before, actually. This thing last year, Christmas at the Sheraton...
Buddy Kane: [pretends to remember] Oh yeah, yes...
Lester Burnham: It's okay, I wouldn't remember me either.
Carolyn Burnham: Honey, don't be weird.

This is my first time.

Angela Hayes

Lester Burnham: Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's.
Carolyn Burnham: [stunned] Uh, Buddy, this is my...
Lester Burnham: Her husband. We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time.

Carolyn Burnham: Lester, you're going to spill beer on the couch.
Lester Burnham: Relax, it's just a couch!
Carolyn Burnham: This is a $4,000 sofa, upholstered in Italian silk. It is not just a couch.
Lester Burnham: [screaming] It's just a couch!

Carolyn Burnham: Uh, whose car is that out front?
Lester Burnham: Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!

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