[Watching Beth masturbate in the tub] Wow. This is graphic.

Andy Stitzer

Cal: [Pointing to an action figure on a shelf] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
Andy Stitzer: That's Oscar Goldman.
Cal: Why do you have that?
Andy Stitzer: That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.

Cal: [David and Cal Playing a video Game] You're *gay* now?
David: No, I'm not gay I'm just celibate.
Cal: I think? I mean, that sounds ga- I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like... there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm I'm a g-gay guy now".
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: I'm gay for saying that?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How? Cuz you're gay? and you can tell who other gay people are.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.

[yells] Yooooooooow, Kelly Clarkson!

Andy Stitzer

[to a group of children at a wedding] Love doesn't exist, that's what I'm trying to tell you guys. And I'm not picking on love, 'cause I don't think friendship exists either.

John Beckwith

I almost numchucked you, you don't even realize!

Chazz Reingold

Jeremy Grey: Have you ever shot one of these things before?
John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: I look totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
John Beckwith: I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy Grey: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.

[about Gloria] She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me.

Jeremy Grey

Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not as much as I do with your attire, or just your general point of view toward everybody here. But hey, lets go kill some birds. I'm psyched.

Jeremy Grey: Okay, what's our back story?
John Beckwith: We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.
Jeremy Grey: I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
John Beckwith: Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
Jeremy Grey: I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?

John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.

John Beckwith: [about Chaz] He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!
Jeremy Grey: Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts!

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