John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late.
Jeremy Grey: No problem.
John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash.
Jeremy Grey: It's ok.
John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't know what that means.
Jeremy Grey: John, it's all right. Do you mind if I get married now?

John Beckwith: I just wanted to say how much I appreciated your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
Secretary Cleary: You've read my position paper?
John Beckwith: I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.
Secretary Cleary: A sailor? Sit down. You didn't happen to catch my speech on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue did you?
John Beckwith: Are you kidding me? I thought it was great! Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius. Now if we could only get congress not to be so short sighted.
Secretary Cleary: Yes! Well put. Short sighted. John, how about we go out on the deck and light up a couple of cigars?
John Beckwith: Stogies?
Secretary Cleary: Yeah.
John Beckwith: Why not?

Father O'Neil: And now for our second reading I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern.
John Beckwith: 20 bucks First Corinthians.
Jeremy Grey: Double or nothing Colossians 3:12.
Gloria Cleary: And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.

Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this bullshit? Rule #32: never commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.
John Beckwith: Rule #16: give me an up-to-date family tree, that was your mistake, you just made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!

Chazz Reinhold: So how's my protégé?
John Beckwith: Jeremy, believe it or not, is getting married!
Chazz Reinhold: What? What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for you and me.

Claire Cleary: Are you OK?
John Beckwith: Yeah, I'm just swinging the jib for your dad, starboard.
Claire Cleary: But starboard's *this* way.
John Beckwith: That's right. What am I thinking? I'm used to sailing down under with the kiwis so everything's backwards and the toilets when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks you out the first time you see it.

What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.

John Beckwith

What is she doing back there? I never know what she's doing.

Chaz Reingold

Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.

Jeremy Grey

[on the phone] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...

Milton

Peter Gibbons: You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
Bob Slydell: Oh yeah, we're bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal.
Bob Porter: Standard operating procedure.
Peter Gibbons: Do they know this yet?
Bob Slydell: No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.

Dom Portwood: So um, Milton has been let go?
Bob Slydell: Well just a second there, professor. We uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it will just work itself out naturally.
Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem solved from your end.

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