Alice: Who are you?
Pamela Voorhees: Why I'm... I'm Mrs. Voorhees, an old friend of the Christys'.

Alice: The boy. Is he dead, too?
Tierney: Who?
Alice: The boy. Jason.
Tierney: Jason?
Alice: In the lake, the one - the one who attacked me - the one who pulled me underneath the water.
Tierney: Ma'am, we didn't find any boy.
Alice: But - then he's still out there.

I look like Snuggles' accountant.

Ted

Ted: Hey, you're home early!
Lori: What the hell is this?
Ted: They're hookers, so it's fine.

Ted: I look stupid.
John: No, you don't, you look dapper!
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell him Grandma died.

You know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call the Dirty Fozzie.

Ted

Ted: Hey, thanks for 9/11.
Indian woman: I'm Indian.
Ted: Yeah, whatever.

John: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fucking Becky?
Ted: No.
John: Wait, was it any one of those names with a Lynn after it?
Ted: Yes.
John: Okay, Brandy Lynn, Heather Lynn...
Ted: Tammy Lynn.
John: Fuck!

John: You don't think she's gonna be expecting something big, do you?
Ted: What, like anal?

I wish I'd just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin!

John

I swear to God, her name is Sauvingon Blanc. Show her your Chevron card.

Ted

That's my bad, I was sending a tweet.

Ted

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