"I don't like you takin' liberties with my dick."Nick [to Lou, regarding an oral sex bet]
Jacob: "Holy shit-- you're wasted!"
Adam: "I've had, like, two wine kills, Captain Buzzcooler."
Lou: "Hey, man, can I ask you a question? Does this seem like it's all about Adam again?"
Nick: "Yeah--just like Cincinnati."
Adam: "You're gonna bring that up?"
Lou: "We said we weren't gonna talk about Cincinnati ever, okay?"
Jacob: "Is this why you have that shoebox in your closet that says 'Cincinnati'?"
Lou: "What?! That's f***in' admissible!"
Nick: "You keep it in the closet?!"
Adam: "What am I gonna f***in' do with it? You can't bury those things."
Nick: "You wrote 'Cincinnati' on it?!"
Adam: "How do I know which one it's supposed to be?!"
Jacob: " ... Is it a fetus?"
Jacob [discussing "the butterfly effect"]: "... like, you step on a bug, and the f***in' Internet's never invented."
Lou: "Oh, then you have to talk to girls with your mouth."
"I seriously almost passed out, you're such a dork."Lou
"All right, I write Stargate fan fiction, so I think I'm know what I'm talkin' about right now."Jacob
Jacob: "Guys! This is scientifically possible."
Lou: "Oh, my god. Okay, Professor Hawking, tell me in your robot voice how this is scientifically possible."
Adam [commenting on young Nick's haircut]: "You look like Kid 'n Play."
Nick: "That's actually two people."
"It must be some kinda... hot tub time machine." [Looks directly into the camera]Nick
"That's probably Ashton Kolchak right now, tellin' us we've been 'punk'd' or whatever."Adam [after a knock on the door]
"You're never gonna believe where I'm callin' you from, man. I'm on a mountain, on my phone!"[passing the main characters, as they begin to suspect they're in the '80s]
"I want an escort to escort our penises into her vagina."Lou [on phone to an escort service]