I feel like the nerd at the sleep-over that fell asleep at nine.

Red

I used to use this gun when I was a prostitute.

Red

Sit yo sexy ass down, so you can watch yourself die!

Matheson

I may look tough, but I got a lot of feelings...and you hurt...damn near every one of them.

Matheson

Mother of pearl!

Maxwell Smart

Maxwell Smart: Well, you were no help at all.
Agent 99: How could I help? I'm just a woman with a dusty old uterus.
Maxwell Smart: I never said dusty.

It's okay, 99. Big people feel pain, too.

Maxwell Smart

There was a guy in the bathroom - and he was really hot!

Maxwell Smart

Agent 99: Did I hear something?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, there were some tap dancers in the hallway.

Agent 99: Did you see anything while I was dancing?
Maxwell Smart: Just once, but I don't think you expected him to lift you that high.

Maxwell Smart: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The Chief: I don't know. Were you thinking, "Holy shit, holy shit, a sword fish almost went through my head"? If so, then yes.

Agent 99: I used to look like my mom.
Maxwell Smart: I used to look like two of my moms put together.

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