Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never do a full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks to your cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.

[heading towards an ox] I need to bite its hide... and wear its stomach like a unitard.

Jeff Portnoy

Hospital Nurse: [after Bertram's colonoscopy] Come back soon.
Bertram Pincus: What a terrible thing to say in a hospital.

All my life, I've been fighting my way upstream.

The Duchess of Devonshire

I love you in the way I understand love.

Duke of Devonshire

Lady Spencer: All of London is talking.
Georgiana, The Duchess of Devonshire: Oh, let them talk!

Georgiana, The Duchess of Devonshire: I fail to comprehend how far we are fully committed to the concept of freedom.
Sir Peter Teazle: Freedom in moderation.
Georgiana, The Duchess of Devonshire: The concept of freedom is an absolute.

Duke of Devonshire: This will be the mistake of your life.
Georgiana, The Duchess of Devonshire: No, I made that many years ago.

You can't ask me to battle nature in my own heart.

The Duchess of Devonshire

Sweet balls!

Shelley Darlingson

Can you point me to the crapper? I have to drop some timber.


Only unfulfilled love can be romantic.

Maria Elena

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