I didn't stay in college for nine years just to go back to my trailer in Idaho!

Carrie Mae

My heart is racing like a nail!


I don't wanna die like Hendrix man!

Jeff Portnoy

Yo asshole! This motha' fucka's dead. Ain't no Chris Angel Mindfreak, David Blane trapdoor horse shit jumpin' off here!

Kirk Lazarus

Byong: We have not yet received payment. Price now 100 million, or Simple Jack dies.
Les Grossman: Okay, let me get this straight. You want 100 million... oh wait, I have a better idea. How about I send you a hobo's dick cheese?

Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.

Kirk Lazarus

Les Grossman: No, fuckhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: I wouldn't do that.
Les Grossman: I'm kidding.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Ah, there he is! funny. You're a funny guy.
Les Grossman: Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.

That's C-4, dipshit. Put that back. I said a detonator! I need some dudes who speak American god dammit! He's making a fucking sweater here, I'm tryin' to put tiger bomb on this jungle's nuts.


Tugg Speedman: This is insane. Are you telling me you're quitting the movie? We're supposed to be a unit!
Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit.

When you walk outside, watch your back.


Nothing wrong with a little shooting, as long as the right people get shot.


Most people respect the badge. Everyone respects the gun.


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