I saw the way your friend Mauricio looked at me; I thought he was going to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and tag my ear.

Rosemary

Tony Robbins: Hal, don't you think you're being a bit shallow here in the way you look at women?
Hal: Well, no! You know, I'd like her to be into culture and shit, too.
Tony Robbins: Ok Hal, hypothetical situation; Which do you prefer, a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?
Hal: Hmmm, toughie. What about the remaining breast? Is it big?

Hey Hal, come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H.!

Mauricio

Mauricio: The thing is all the women he's been seeing are ugly.
Tony Robbins: Who says they're ugly?
Mauricio: Bausch & Lomb.

She's got CANKLES!

Mauricio

Hal: There's Rosemary.
Mauricio: Where?
Hal: Right there!
Mauricio: Is she behind the Rhino?

[after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio]
Hal: Does she take the cake, or what?
Mauricio: She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

Tony Robbins: Haven't you ever heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
Mauricio: Have you heard the song "Who Let The Dogs Out"?

Don't hassle me about crumbs man, because I am on the edge of the edge.

J-Man

Dr. Fernandez: [With hispanic accent] It becomes a lethal poison!
Tim Dingman: A little person...?

Spray some on my butt cause I just shit my pants!

Nick Vanderpark

How do I know where the shit goes?

Nick Vanderpark

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