Don't worry, it could be worse - he could be a white guy.

Medicine Man

Father, is this my husband-to-be? He's a toad. If the Emperor is so fond of him, why doesn't he marry him?

Princess Pei Pei

[to a group of reporters] I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

Tom Dobbs

Jack Menken: Everyone's going to be writing about how honest you are and how straightforward. I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.
Tom Dobbs: Well I want to do a show about gay farmers and call it "Crop Circles", is that offensive?
Jack Menken: Not to me.

Tom Dobbs: NASA spent 30 Million dollars creating the pen that would write upside down in space. Did you know that? The Russians, how ever, were able to solve this problem with
[imitating]
Tom Dobbs: Five cent pencil! Writes right side up, writes up-side down. After five quarts of vodka, is still writing!

We'll pay for your Viagra but not for your glasses. That way, you get a hard-on but can't see where to put it!

Tom Dobbs

This makes golf look like porn.

Tom Dobbs

Tom Dobbs: How many analogies do you have left?
Jack Menken: How many does it take to make my point?

Senator Mills: I support hydrogen cars...
Tom Dobbs: That's weird, because you're backed by oil companies.

The president wants to pass an amendment banning same-sex marriage. Anybody who's been married knows it's always the same sex!

Tom Dobbs

Tom Dobbs: If you're representing special interest groups, maybe we should be like NASCAR with the little patches on the back: 'Enron: We take your money and run!'

People say Intelligent Design, we must teach Intelligent Design. Look at the human body, is that intelligent? You have a waste processing plant next to a recreation area.

Tom Dobbs

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