[referring to the porno tape on the TV]
Grandma: What channel is this?
Helen: No, grandma, this is a tape.
Grandma: [to Susan] She really needs a man.

[Gil sees Justin wearing nothing but a gunbelt]
Gil: That's what you're wearing to bed? You'll catch a cold!
[Justin puts on a cowboy hat]
Gil: Perfect!
[Karen enters]
Gil: Karen, how about after the kids are asleep... (referring to Justin.) I wear this outfit?

Karen: I happen to LIKE the roller coaster, okay? As far as I'm concerned, your grandmother is brilliant.
Gil: Yeah if she's so brilliant why is she sitting in our NEIGHBOR'S CAR?

What is it with all the women in this family, that makes all the men in this family wanna leave?

Garry

Keep Patty away from Larry - suck the intelligence right out of her.

Gil

[on parenting] It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening.

Frank

Julie: He said that he loved me.
Helen: Men say that. They all say that. Then they cum.

Karen: Do you really have to go?
Gil: My whole life is "have to."

Karen: He likes to butt things... with his head.
Nathan: How proud you must be.

Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.

Gil

We'll throw away the TV. We'll perform Shakespeare in front of him.

Gil

You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.

Tod

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