Carl Showalter: Okay, here're the keys to my truck. I'm taking the car right now and gettin' out of here.
Gaer Grimsrud: We split that.
Carl Showalter: How the fuck do you split a car, you dummy? With a fucking chainsaw?

So, I'm tendin' bar there at Ecklund and Swedlin's last Tuesday and this little guy's drinkin' and he says, "So where can a guy find some action? I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake." And I says, "What kinda action?" and he says, "Woman action, what do I look like?" And I says, "Well, what do I look like, I don't arrange that kinda thing," and he says, "I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake," and I says, "Well, this ain't that kinda place."

Mr. Mohra

Carl Showalter: So, how long you been with the escort service?
Escort: I don't know, a few months.
Carl Showalter: Find that work interesting, do ya?
Escort: What're you talkin' about?

[Shep Proudfoot bursts in and knocks Carl out of bed while he was having sex with hooker] Shep, what the fuck ya doin'? I'm banging that girl!

Carl Showalter

Carl Showalter: Who the fuck are you? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
Wade Gustafson: I got your damn money; now where's my daughter?
Carl Showalter: I am through fucking around here. Drop that fucking briefcase!
Wade Gustafson: Where's my daughter?
Carl Showalter: Fuck you, man! Where's Jerry? I gave simple fucking instructions.
Wade Gustafson: Where's my damn daughter? No Jean, no money!
Carl Showalter: Drop that fucking money!
Wade Gustafson: No Jean, no money!
Carl Showalter: Is this a fucking joke here? [shoots Wade] Happy now, asshole? What's with you people? Ya fucking imbeciles!

Officer Olson: Hiya, Norm. How ya doin', Margie? How's the fricasse?
Marge Gunderson: Pretty darn good, ya want some?
Officer Olson: No, I gotta - hey, Norm, I thought you were goin' fishin' up at Mille Lacs?
Norm Gunderson: Yah, after lunch.

Carl Showalter: So, why don't you just ask him for the money?
Gaer Grimsrud: Or your fuckin' wife, you know.
Carl Showalter: Or your fucking wife, Jerry?

Jerry Lundegaard: I told ya. We haven't had any vehicles go missing.
Marge Gunderson: Okay! But are ya sure? 'Cause I mean, how do you know? Do you do a count, or what kind of a routine do you have here?
Jerry Lundegaard: [uncomfortable] Ma'am, I answered your question!
Marge Gunderson: [pause] I'm sorry, sir?
Jerry Lundegaard: Ma'am, I answered your question. I answered the darned... I'm cooperatin' here!
Marge Gunderson: Sir, you have no call to get snippy with me, I'm just doing my job here.
Jerry Lundegaard: I'm... not arguing here! I'm cooperating. So there's no need to... we're doin' all we can here.
Marge Gunderson: Sir, could I talk to Mr. Gustafson?

Marge Gunderson: Say Lou, did ya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates so he went and changed his name to J3L2404?
Lou: Yah, that's a good one.

You have no call to get snippy with me; I'm just trying to do my job here.

Marge Gunderson

Just keep it still back there lady or we're going to have to, you know, shoot you.

Carl Showalter

OK, so we got a trooper pulls someone over, we got a shooting, these folks drive by, there's a high-speed pursuit, ends here and then this execution-type deal.

Marge Gunderson

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